entergoatman:

angels-and-angles:

Wow, accidentally deleted my original post. Reblogging so I can keep it in my archives.

——

As defined by urban dictionary, the friendzone is…

“When you are expected to support a girl you really like while she searches for a smarter, richer, and more handsome boyfriend. There is little you can do without feeling like a dick. All in all, one of the meanest things a girl can do, whether they mean it or not.”

and ”The perennial location of nice guys everywhere.”

Although this hypothetical situation could work both ways, friendzone is almost always applied to a man who is rejected by a woman. Therefore, there is something inherently unequal, something inherently sexist about the term “friendzone”. But what and why?

From my experience, this is what friend zone is. A “nice guy” pursues a woman, but isn’t forward with his intentions from the get-go like, say, a “jerk”. The woman is pleased to see a man who is interested in her not as a sexual object but as a human being and wishes for things to stay that way. The man is not satisfied with seeing the woman as a human being because being “expected to support a girl” is a bad deal if she’s not putting out.

Before I delve into the sociological aspects of this, I just want to point out that ”friendzone” is no more pleasant for a woman than it is a man. First, that is to say unrequited love works both ways, but the person who doesn’t return affections is considered mean only when she’s a woman. And second, what option does the woman have in a traditional “friendzone” situation? Just stop talking to a close friend to avoid “leading him on”? In high school, I found out my best friend of 2 years liked me. Having to tell him I didn’t feel the same way and being immediately ex-communicated via Facebook status (“Thanks for wasting my time”) was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. Were our two years of friendship invalid because I didn’t want anything more? Was all our time together really wasted because there was no hypothetical pay off?

Guys who do this and claim to be “nice guys” are the worst misogynists because of their sense of entitlement toward a woman. They make investments in property and expect their dividends. They are fake friends. They are selfish. And they will jump at the chance to vilify you and victimize themselves when their attempts at manipulation don’t work. Clearly, “friendzone” is the remnant of a phenomenon that has plagued women since the beginning of time: women are not independent creatures. Our love lives exist only in the context of a man’s desire. When we make independent decisions, we are subject to a host of derogatory terms. “Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes”. “Friendzone” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no”

I would like to add my point of view, as a guy who has been friendzoned every year since sixth grade. Before I start, though, I would like to say that it was very interesting—enlightening might be a better word—reading another point of view on the friendzone.

I have rarely tried to be the friend of someone because I wanted to get some sort of pay off. In fact, I can’t think of a single instance. I try to be nice to everyone and those who want to hang out near me often become my honest friends, for a while, at least.

I usually grow more intimate feelings and then I don’t want to affect my friendship with the person, but at the same time I want more than just that. So I remain as nice as possible and try to work up the courage to talk about it, almost invariably failing to do so. Not actually wanting to hurt anyone, I feel I need to continue whatever sort of thing I made a habit while pursuing the option of being more than friends. 

Am I happy with myself for it? Absolutely not. I try to be nice and supportive and accepting, but sometimes a little bit of jealousy or anger slips, usually at an undeserving person. I punch a tree or throw a small object at the wall. I lose my cool and feel bad about not being more accepting. There isn’t an easy way to reject someone. Rejection hurts and makes people do stupid things.

The “friendzone” is a place that I have never exactly thought about in reverse. I just thought that a second perspective from someone who considers themselves to be a “nice guy”.

Does wanting to be in a relationship with a friend make me a misogynist? I honestly don’t see how that works, but it’s possible I am just too self-absorbed to see my own faults. (I honestly want an answer to that. Anyone can answer it. I want to better myself and need constructive criticism for that.) 

Heres, my take on this. 

On hindsight…I personally feel that there is no such thing as platonic friendship, or anything close. I used to think otherwise, and recent events just proved the whole theory wrong. I insisted that it was just harmless and innocent that I even told someone with so much conviction, that it existed. Who am I kidding? Clearly, the original author wrote this post with some negative emotions and it was kinda unfair, at least to some guys. No doubt, true enough, some things she wrote about was rather insightful, and spot on. However, not all guys behave the way so-and-so did to her. And here’s why. 

1. Not all guys see spending time, effort and money as ‘investing in properties, expecting a dividend.’ We do because we simply like the other party as friends, before feelings develops, and these are ways of showing our affection, just like what normal friends do.

2. It doesn’t always start the way it was portrayed. Not everyone has the idea of the wanting to end up in relationship at the back of their heads. Fortunately or unfortunately, one of the other gives in and feelings eventually develops.

3. And certainly, it doesn’t have to end the way it did. It takes maturity to handle things like this, especially when it is so sensitive and so close to the heart. Both parties have to be matured enough to make sure that nothing would compromise the friendship. To take rejection positively, and remain as good friends if it can’t progress further than just being friends. (Take it from a person who just got rejected, friendzoned, if you would)

I felt that being clear from the onset was the right thing to do, and no matter the outcome, it would save a lot of heartache and pain.

On a side note: That guy just wasn’t mature enough to handle that. Looks like he wouldn’t have any good friends from the opposite gender as everyone he meets is a potential girlfriend to him, cause anyone who rejects him gets ex-communicated. 

I’ll like to rephrase what she wrote: 

“Slut” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “yes”.

“It is every women’s right to exercise her right to say yes” and

“Friendzone” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no”

“Being truthful and honest” is how we vilify a woman for exercising her right to say “no” and we have to respect whatever decision she makes.

Its all a matter of perspective.